Recently, I watched the film adaptation of Colleen Hoover’s novel It Ends With Us, and I was profoundly moved. As a Family Constellations Facilitator, I often help individuals uncover and heal generational patterns that keep them stuck in painful cycles.
Watching Lily Bloom’s journey unfold on screen, I couldn’t help but see parallels between her story and the hidden dynamics we explore in Family Constellations. Lily’s struggle was not just her own. It was a story deeply rooted in her family system, shaped by the experiences of those who came before her.
This movie is more than a love story—it’s a powerful lesson on how trauma is passed down through generations and how breaking the cycle takes immense courage.
Key Takeaways from It Ends With Us
1. Generational trauma is real
Unresolved pain gets passed down through families until someone chooses to break the cycle.
2. Awareness is the first step
Lily didn’t realize she was repeating patterns until she saw them clearly.
3. Healing requires action
Awareness alone is not enough—you must make different choices.
4. Self-love means breaking unhealthy bonds
True healing often requires walking away from people we love if they are harming us.
5. The next generation depends on us
By healing ourselves, we create a different future for our children and their descendants.
Film Narrative and Underlying Themes
Plot Overview: A Story of Love, Pain, and Healing
The movie introduces us to Lily Bloom, a young woman determined to build a life different from the one she grew up in.
Having witnessed her mother suffer through an abusive marriage, Lily swears that she will never allow herself to endure the same fate. After her father’s passing, she moves to Boston, starts her floral shop, and, for the first time, feels in control of her destiny.
Then, she meets Ryle Kincaid—a brilliant, charming, and successful neurosurgeon. Despite his initial resistance to relationships, he is drawn to Lily, and their romance quickly intensifies. At first, Ryle seems perfect. But as the story unfolds, his deep-seated anger issues emerge, revealing a pattern of abuse.
Lily is forced to confront the painful reality: she repeats her mother’s story despite her intentions. Exploring Domestic Violence and Generational Trauma
The narrative’s pacing and key scenes invite viewers to reflect on the dynamics between partners and the process of healing. These moments highlight the delicate balance between love and violence, emphasizing the resilience required to overcome trauma.
The Cycle of Generational Trauma in It Ends With Us
The core message of the film is that trauma and learned behaviours don’t just disappear—they get passed down through families.
Generational trauma refers to the unresolved pain, fears, and patterns that travel through family systems, affecting children and grandchildren. Many people unconsciously repeat what they grew up with, even when they try to do the opposite.
Lily knows what abuse looks like. She saw it in her parents’ relationship. But despite her awareness, she still falls into the same destructive cycle.
This is something we see time and time again in Family Constellations therapy:
- The child of an alcoholic parent marries someone with addiction issues.
- The daughter of a woman who endured emotional neglect ends up in a distant, emotionally unavailable relationship.
- A son who grew up with an absent father unconsciously creates relationships where he is either abandoned or avoids commitment.
These repetitive patterns are not accidents—they result from deep, unconscious family entanglements.
The Family Constellations Perspective: Why We Repeat Patterns
Understanding Family Constellations
Family Constellations, developed by Bert Hellinger, is a therapeutic approach that helps individuals see and heal hidden family dynamics.
At the heart of this therapy is the belief that we carry unresolved burdens from our family’s past, often without realizing it.
A few key concepts explain why Lily finds herself repeating her mother’s story:
Unconscious Loyalties
In Family Constellations, we see that children often stay “loyal” to their parents’ fate, even when it harms them.
This means that if a mother endured abuse, a daughter might unconsciously repeat it—not because she wants to, but because she feels connected to her mother’s suffering.
Unresolved Trauma Gets Passed Down
When pain isn’t healed, it doesn’t disappear—it moves to the next generation.
Lily’s father never acknowledged or changed his behaviour. Her mother endured silently.
Because their trauma was never processed or healed, it continued to affect Lily’s choices.
The Morphogenetic Field
Hellinger’s work describes a family energy field that connects every member, even those who are gone.
Patterns don’t just exist on a psychological level—they are stored in the family system itself.
How Family Constellations Bring These Patterns to Light
In a Family Constellations session, we bring these patterns into awareness using a living representation of the family system.
Participants stand in for family members, bringing unconscious dynamics to the surface.
Hidden entanglements—such as repeating trauma or carrying pain for others—are revealed.
Healing occurs when individuals acknowledge and release these inherited burdens.
Breaking the Cycle: Lily’s Turning Point
Choosing a Different Path
One of the most powerful moments in It Ends With Us is when Lily makes the conscious decision to walk away from Ryle.
Even though she loves him, she realizes that love should never come at the cost of safety, dignity, or well-being.
This is where Lily breaks the generational cycle.
- She chooses a fate different from that of her mother.
- She prioritizes her well-being over emotional attachment.
- She ensures her daughter will never grow up in an abusive home.
This is exactly what we work toward in Family Constellations sessions—becoming aware of these inherited dynamics and choosing new, healthier paths.
Final Thoughts: The Power of Healing Family Patterns
It Ends With Us is more than just a love story—it’s a lesson in breaking and overcoming generational trauma.
Many people, like Lily, find themselves repeating painful cycles without understanding why.
But here’s the truth: change is possible.
By becoming aware of family patterns, processing hidden pain, and choosing a different path, we can free ourselves from the weight of the past.
Through Family Constellations, we learn that we are not doomed to repeat history. We have the power to honour our family’s past while creating a new future—one built on love, self-worth, and true healing.
